Hanatarou's Very Bad Day
by Lord Machiavelli's Understudy
Summary: When Unohana decides to start a sub-division for the psychological health of the Shinigami, Hanatarou discovers that he is in way over his head. The only question is whether he will go as crazy as some of his patients...


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach. Also my only background in psychology was a couple of courses taken years ago. No offense to people with legitimate psychological problems is meant.

**How it Began**

Sereitai had a problem.

Correction, Sereitai had many problems.

But the specific problem that worried Captain Unohana at the moment was the serious lack of mental stability in her fellow shinigami. "It is all very well to have some quirks, some small idiosyncrasies," she said, fingering the end of her backwards braid, "but some captains, and even seated officers, are just taking it too far."

"This is an utter waste of time," hissed Mayuri.

"I'm afraid I have to agree with Captain Kurotsuchi," said Kuchiki. "The presence of minor mental instability is a traditional requirement for captaincy."

At that, both Unohana and the Captain-Commander glared at Kyouraku and Ukitake, who had utterly satisfied and unrepentant expressions on their faces.

"Nevertheless, I feel that those tendencies are interfering with our leading shinigami's capacity to fill their duties. Perhaps with required psychological checkups then our recent debacle with Aizen would never have happened." Unohana said calmly, as if she was unaware that she had just challenged the most powerful man in Sereitai.

The Captain-Commander was not that oblivious, merely sending her a glance telling her that he was on to her, before agreeing.

"Very well than Unohana. All captains and lieutenants are now required to have twice monthly psychological checkups." The Captain Commander proclaimed.

**The Meeting**

The seated officers of the forth division simply stared at the smiling woman when she gave them their newest orders, before bowing respectfully. After she had left, they turned to one another in despair.

"What's psychology?" asked the sixth seat, nervous that she had apparently missed some major type of healing spells.

"Psychology! Bah," said the ninth seat. "That idiot Frued's theories? Of course a woman would give credence to such things. When I'm in the Twelfth, I'm sure Captain Mayuri will not condone…" The others tuned him out with the ease of long practice.

"So", said the third seat. "Does anyone here know anything about psychology?"

He was answered by a group of blank faces.

"Psycho means mind, so maybe it involves eating brains?" The tenth seat said. She was a recent transferee (refugee) from the Twelth Division herself, and at times it showed.

"Of course not! Captain Unohana would not make us eat people's brains." The fifth seat said hotly, before looking confused. "Wouldn't she?" she continued more uncertainly.

Lieutenant Isane patted the fifth seat's head soothingly, "No Captain Unohana doesn't want us to eat peoples brains." Inwardly, she was hoping against hope that this would _not_ lead to a resurgence of Sereitai Rumor #103. "But I'm not sure what she wants."

"Um, isn't that where you talk to people about their problems and make them feel better? At least that's what I thought…" Hanatarou trailed off nervously, aware that he had the drawn the rest of the room's attention.

"Great! Hanatarou knows all about it. He can take care of it. Now I really must get back to work." With that, the eight seat left.

Unfortunately for Hanatarou, it appeared that all the other seats had the same idea. Looking at their faces, Hanatarou tried to backpedal.

"No really, I don't know anything about psychology. Especially not the sort of psychology that you need for people like the captains."

"I'm sure you'll be fine," said the Lieutenant warmly. "You know more about it than anyone else. How bad can it be?"

"I mean, there are hang-ups and obsessions there, major psychosis in a few cases, and a couple that are on the edge of full out mental breakdown, and at least two that are past it." Hanatarou continued, ignoring his superior completely.

"You are in charge of our new psychological division, and YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT." Isane delivered her ultimatum, thinking about how proud she was to be able to do the 'Commanding Voice'. Kiyone would just die of envy when she told her.

"I'm going to die." Hanatarou was muttering to himself. "I should go over to the Eleventh and say that I want a fight. It will be a less painful death."

**Before it Started**

In the end, Hanatarou was promoted, sortof. He kept the seventh seat, but was now in charge of the sub department of psychological health which currently consisted of just himself.

As anybody who knew anything about shinigami knew, this was a herculean task. No powerful shinigami was without their quirks, their little…idiosyncrasies. There was no possible way that a seventh seat, especially one as pathetic as Hanatarou, could deal with their admittedly major problems.

Fortunately, he had a plan.

Unfortunately, Captain Unohana caught him before he got more than three steps out of the dormitories. Damn her and her sitting-on-the-veranda-drinking-tea-at-all-hours-of-the-day-and-night habits. He then spent the next spent the next couple of hours listening to her telling him about how happy she was that the psychological health of the shinigami was finally going to be taken care of, and how proud she was that he was taking care of this grievous oversight. Hanatarou spent those hours looking at her serene and smiling face and wondering if his captain was, perhaps, just possibly, maybe kinda related to Captain Ichimaru? It would explain a lot. _Nah, can't be._

However, that left him without any escape plan. Instead he turned to his new duties, hoping that they would not actually kill their healer.

At least he now had an office. And even better, a _desk_. A nice desk, made of real wood in Western style. He carefully placed a pot of tea on the side of the desk, and a pile of twenty-two almost empty files at the other side of the desk, within easy reach.

He decided to interview them first in order of division and rank, before putting them on a permanent schedule of checkups.

**Captain Commander Yamamoto Genryusai-Shigekuni **

"Ah, you. You were one of those that helped the ryoka invade." The Captain-Commander said, sipping some of the tea that Hanatarou had offered him.

Hanatarou squeaked, unable to speak. He had thought, when he had finally managed to pour the general a cup of tea (only spilling a little from the nervous shaking) that the worst was over.

He was wrong.

Everything could always get worse. The Captain-Commander had somehow managed to infuse an entire universe's worth of contempt into that single sentence, without opening his eyes. Hanatarou was utterly petrified. He had frozen like a rabbit faced with a hollow.

"Have you ever given any thought to the politics of power? About how a society can be made to function at maximum efficiency, but only if all the…"

Hanatarou settled back for the long run, vaguely relieved that he still had all of his limbs.

He was careful to wait until long after the man had left to write in his folder _Does not deal well with challenges to authority_ and _powermad_, before freaking out and setting the entire thing on fire and throwing the ashes out of the window.

**First Division Lieutenant, Sasakibe Chojirou**

"I quite like this desk," said the lieutenant, eyeing the furniture greedily. "Is it in the English style?"

"Um, I guess, so…" Hanatarou really didn't have any idea how he was supposed to be handling this conversation. The lieutenant currently had his head under the desk, examining it in minute detail. Hanatarou had evidently been forgotten, except as a random leg the man needed to move to get closer to the furniture.

"I could tell. It's a magnificent antique. This cross piece here, just screams later Edwardian. But this scroll work, that's pure Victorian…" The man continued on, happy in his fantasy world where the British Empire ruled the world and all bowed down to their superior culture.

Hanatarou didn't have the heart to tell him that Isane had gotten Yumichica (who was a surprisingly good woodworker) and Ikkaku to make it for her in return for Isane telling Unohana that they were fine without a checkup.

**Second Division Captain, Sui-Fon**

To be very honest, Hanatarou was scared of all of the captains, but Captain Sui-Fon was a special kind of scary. She was just too quiet. There was something about the woman that made him want to run.

"Stop that."

Hanatarou stopped, aware that he had been flinching at her every movement.

"I'm sorry, it's just it's like you're hunting me! You're like a cat! You're like a cat and I'm a little mouse, and I keep thinking that you are going to eat me…Please don't kill me"

The ninja leaned forward, and Hanatarou held his breath quietly awaiting his death, when she took his hands in her own.

"You think that I'm like a cat," she was blushing pink. "That's the best thing anyone has ever said to me. I must tell Yoruichi-sama!"

With that the woman ran out of his office, giggling.

**Second Division Lieutenant, Omeada Marechiyo**

Sui-Fon's Lieutenant was probably the least scary of all the ranking shinigami, which was a relief after the last interview. Or at least it would be if he wasn't so very annoying.

Not that Hanatarou would ever dream of telling the man that he found him annoying. The other man could doubtless crush him like a bug. It's just…the _chewing_. The man talked through a full mouth of food.

Hanatarou didn't pay any attention to what the man was saying, too distracted by his mastication. Nothing got done.

**Third Division Lieutenant, Kira Izuru**

"Actually, I did have something to ask you about. What do you do when your captain is determined to make your life a living hell, putting you in terrifying situations with a smile, and all you can think is that they are getting an honest sadistic pleasure in your physical and psychological torment?"

Lieutenant Kira just looked morosely at the tea in his hand. "There is nothing you can do. The world is full of terrible fates, visited on the undeserving."

"Okay then…What makes you feel better about your life?"

"Only the sweet escape of oblivion."

The conversation continued on in this vein for their quite a while. Hanatarou could almost see the black cloud of depression engulfing his office, lodging itself into the corners of the room. He was almost glad when their time was up.

"You're haven't drank any of your tea." Hanatarou pointed out quietly while the other man was leaving.

"Captain Ichimaru poisons all the tea."

Hanatarou had nothing to say to that, except to write in _paranoid_ in Kira's folder, next to _extremely depressed_ and _possible alcoholic_.

**Fourth Division Captain, Unohana Retsu**

The interview with his own Captain was supposed to be calming, relaxing, even. It most definitely wasn't.

_She's not related to Captain Ichimaru, I'm not in the Third._

The captain wasn't even doing anything. She had a cup of tea held elegantly in her folded hands, and a small peaceful smile on her face, and she was 'glad they could talk like this' and all he could think was that she was actually pure evil.

_She's not related to Captain Ichimaru. I'm not in the Third._

He still put down the tea that she had insisted she pour him aside without drinking any.

**Fourth Division Lieutenant, Kotetsu Isane**

"So, what do you do outside of work, Isane?" Hanatarou was glad that someone here was somewhat normal. He had even already filled out her charts, noting down _minor self-esteem issues_ and _worries excessively over physical appearances._

"Oh, I generally spend a lot of time gossiping with my friends, or in the Shinigami Women's Association."

"What do you talk about?" he asked, somewhat curious.

"Well there's a whole lot of rumors, and Lieutenant Matsumoto sometimes runs a book if you find proof of some rumor's validity. I can sometimes double my paycheck on the more out there ones."

"Oh like what?" Hanatarou said idly, finally relaxing.

"Like Rumor #23067, are Captains Zaraki and Kuchiki in love?"

Hanatarou choked on his tea.

"Or #915, are Captain Kyouraku and his lieutenant secretly married? Although really, that one should be #19910, but they said that they didn't have to change the number just because he got a new lieutenant for his last three partners." Hanatarou was looking at the woman he used to believe was normal, feeling very betrayed.

"You number them?" he asked faintly.

"Of course! How else would we keep them straight?" She continued on without stopping, now that they were on a topic she evidently found fascinating.

"My favorite currently is #25000, is the ryoka Ichigo actually the Spirit King in disguise? Unfortunately, Rangiku won't take my proof, says its only circumstantial. Circumstantial? It's a 60 page thesis. How much proof does she need?" The woman was beginning to get worked up now. Hanatarou was just thinking back to the redheaded ryoka, _You know, maybe they're on to something… no, no that's ridiculous._

By this point Isane was standing with one leg on top of his desk, gesturing furiously with her teacup. "And as for #18099, are Captain Unohana and Gin related? Needs to be struck from the books! Such nonsense."

Hanatarou just poured himself another cup, resigned to it by now. He wondered if he could find who ever put that last rumor on the list and commiserate.

**Fifth Division Lieutenant, Hinamori Momo**

Hanatarou was honestly surprised with how cheerful Lieutenant Hinamori was. He had been dreading her visit, wondering how he was going to deal with the betrayed girl.

"So, how have you been doing lately?"

Still, he decided that he wouldn't bring up the topic of Aizen. No use stepping on the kidou mines.

"I'm great! The captain was really pleased with me yesterday," the young woman said with a smile.

Wait.

What?

"The captain?" He said it carefully.

"Yes! Aizen-sama was glad that we finished balancing the division budget ahead of schedule, and he let me stay to help him work out training schedules for the new recruits." The girl was smiling beatifically.

Hanatarou thought that he was in far too deep over his head, and that he was officially extremely creeped out. It would be a miracle if he got out of this alive.

**Sixth Division Captain, Kuchiki Byakuya**

The captain stared at him elegantly. Hanatarou felt short of breath in the presence of such awe inspiring power. Cherry blossoms had appeared out of nowhere behind the stoic captain, falling gently to the ground as he calmly sipped his tea.

"Please bring me the third stack of paperwork from your desk to sign, Aburai."

As the lieutenant scurried away, Hanatarou continued to look at the captain, who was ignoring him completely.

"Um…You are here for the psychological interview, right."

"Indeed."

"Well, I'm supposed to be the one sitting at the desk, sir, and…" He trailed off, unable to speak in the face of the perfect stoic.

Instead Hanatarou just stood there awkwardly while the captain did his paperwork, ignoring the seventh seat entirely.

**Sixth Division Lieutenant, Aburai Renji**

After the captain had left, Hanatarou managed to keep the lieutenant from following, or the shinigami would have left with his captain.

"Um, Lieutenant Aburai… how are you dealing with your job?" he began, hoping for a normal answer.

"It can be stressful sometimes, but I really do enjoy working with the captain and the rest of our subordinates." The tattoed man didn't seem to be paying much attention to him, but seeing as his answers were the most stable he had gotten today, he didn't press him.

Really, the only thing off was the fact that Lieutenant Aburai appeared to miss the atmosphere of the Eleventh Division, for some reason or another. Other than that, the man appeared to be stable.

Hanatarou wasn't sure if he should be glad that at least one high-ranking shinigami was perfectly sane, or worried that there was some deeply hidden problem that would cause him to snap any day now.

**Seventh Division Captain, Komamura Sajin**

To be completely honest, Hanatarou wasn't entirely sure how Captain Komamura would be able to fit in his office. Sure it was a big room, but not quite that big. Eventually he squeezed into the other chair, looking somewhat ludicrous and over sized. Then he and Hanatarou just stared at each other, awkwardly looking for an opening.

However, once they got stated, the Captain turned out to be very nice and humble. Possibly too humble, but nothing terribly insane.

"I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am today if it wasn't for my division," he said, refusing to take praise when Hanatarou asked him about his recent anti-hollow activities. Hanatarou was beginning to relax, at ease with the much larger shinigami.

"I'm only here because my division mates as well," he admitted, although he thought that the Captain probably wasn't strong-armed into his position.

"Ah. You were forced into this position?" Hanatarou barely managed not to stare. He was not expecting anyone to pick that up.

"Probably wise to go along with it. I'm scared of Captain Unohana, There's no telling what would have happened to you if you had refused," the Captain said.

"Why aren't you in charge of pychology?" The Captain was very good, figuring out what was wrong after only a few words.

"Remember what happened to Tousen? I wouldn't be any good at it."

The Captain left quietly at the end of his time, leaving Hanatarou to wonder whether or not he had low self esteem or not. He marked it in with a question mark.

On the negative side, Hanatarou was beginning to wonder if he was going as mad as some of his patients. If the giant monster with teeth as big as his head was less scary than a normal, smiling woman, there had to be something seriously wrong.

**Seventh Division Lieutenant, Iba Tetsuzaemon**

Lieutenant Iba evoked the same instinctual 'Eleventh Division-Run!' reaction as Lieutenant Aburai did, without the other Lieutenant's inherent dorkyness to offset it. At least at first glance.

Of course, one question got the man started on his favorite topic, Captain Komamura. (Hanatarou didn't think it really mattered which question, as each would doubtlessly end up back at the giant captain.)

"So then the Captain stood up to the Hollow himself, with only myself as backup…"

Seriously, the man worshiped his Captain.

"… and then of course, there was this bird that he adopted…"

He also never stopped.

"… so courageous, and compassionate…"

Hanatarou shooed him out gently when their time was up. He was still talking about his captain. Hanatarou wrote down that he has a bad case of hero worship, and to possibly try to bring up Komamura's self-esteem by exposing him to the lieutenant. Then he realized that that was an extremely stupid idea, since they worked closely together anyway, and it had no effect.

**Eighth Division Captain, Kyouraku Shunsui**

Captain Kyouraku entered the room grandly, announcing his presence in a ridiculous voice. He then stared around the room, before dancing backwards out of the office.

"Hey, where did my basket of cherry blossoms get to?"

Hanatarou had an insane desire to bang his head on the corner of his desk until he lost consciousness.

"Captain Kyouraku, how are you?" he asked.

"Very well. Although I'd be better if Nanao-chan would agree to be mine." The Captain smiled, leaning back in his chair.

Hanatarou was completely unable to tell whether there was something wrong with the Captain, of if this was just his natural state. Given his age, he assumed that if he was going to snap he would have long ago, but on the other hand, maybe he had and no one had noticed?

**Eighth Division Lieutenant, Ise Nanao**

Nanao eventually came and dragged her Captain back to their division, before returning herself.

"Your Captain seems to have a bit of an obsession with 'his Nanao-chan'-"

"Do not call me that." The air in his office had reached sub-arctic temperatures at the woman's tone.

"Sorry! I was just…never mind. How do you feel about working with him?"

"Despite his eccentricities, Captain Kyouraku is a strong and capable Captain, at least when he bothers to get up. I have no complaints."

Hanatarou looked at the severe lieutenant. There was something that he was missing in that relationship. He had no idea what it was, but it was off.

"In your honest opinion, is your Captain sane and stable?" he asked, seeing as he couldn't get anything off of Captain Kyouraku himself.

"Of course. At least half of Kyouraku's behavior is acting. And either way I would take care of it."

There was just something wrong about the fact that the Eighth are the most stable so far.

**Ninth Division Lieutenant, Hisagi Shuhei**

"Well, I suppose that this makes it easy for me, at least." Hanatarou stared across his desk at the empty space that should have held the lieutenant and acting captain of the ninth. The time for their appointment was almost over, and Hanatarou was honestly relieved that he had not shown up.

At that very moment he felt a flare of terrifying reiatsu from down the hall, approaching his new office. _Please, don't be coming here, I like this desk._

The terrifying reiatsu entered his office, turning out to be Captain Unohana, ushering a very pale Lieutenant Hisagi into his office.

"Hello again Hanatarou. I'm afraid that Lieutenant Hisagi had forgotten about your appointment. I just ran into him on the training field, and just wanted to help you. By the way, I really think that you should talk about repression. Repression and anger management" With that, the captain left.

Hanatarou just stared, as the other man slumped into the chair with a weak smile.

**Tenth Division Captain, Hitsugaya Toshiro**

He hadn't even managed to pour Captain Hitsugaya any tea when the young Captain interrupted.

"You've seen Momo, haven't you?" There was a bit of desperation in his tone. Hanatarou barely held back a shudder at the memory of that disastrous interview.

"Um, yes?" he said, confused.

"Good. How is she?"

"Um, I'm afraid I have to keep the meetings confidential."

"Right. Just, she will get better, won't she?" For once Hitsugaya looked as young as he appeared. "You can help her."

Hanatarou managed to smile at the boy, hot shame at the thought that he didn't even have a clue where to even start with the broken girl running down his back, and said, "Of course we can. But it will probably take a lot of effort from everyone that she's close to."

Apparently either he was better at lying than he remembered being, or the Captain wanted desperately to believe him, because he leaned back with an expression of determination on his face. "Of course. I have a record of her nightmares since the event…"

**Tenth Division Lieutenant, Matsumoto Rangiku**

He wasn't looking at the woman, he wasn't looking…

All right he was looking. They were just so big.

"See something you like, boy?" The worst part was that she was so very amused by it.

"No! I mean yes! I mean…How have you been dealing with the recent betrayal?" He asked, frantically searching for a change of subject.

That was the wrong one.

Lieutenant Matsumoto leaned forward slowly and grabbed him by the collar, pulling him up out of his seat. "That topic is _off-limits_, little man. Be aware that any mention of Gin and his recent actions will lead to your death at my hand, probably after a full round of torture, and not the fun kind." She shook him for emphasis. "When I am done with you, your next four incarnations will feel it. Do. You. Understand?"

He nodded furiously, not trusting himself to speak.

She let him go, settling back down with a pout. "Anyway I'm good. Trying to get the Captain to let me go with him to the human world. There are two of the ryoka that I'm interested in." She winked at him suggestively.

There was something wrong with such a complete one-eighty.

**Eleventh Division Captain, Zaraki Zenpachi**

He ran.

Before Captain Zaraki was scheduled to arrive, he just up and ran.

There is a point where a wise man cannot stand, and being in a room with the Captain of the Eleventh was well past Hanatarou's. Not even for evil Unohana.

**Eleventh Division Lieutenant, Kusajishi Yachiru**

Several hours later, he was climbing back into his office through the window, only to be found by three Eleventh Division members.

"It's the shadow! He's not any fun to play with." Lieutenant Yachiru turned to Yumichika and Ikkaku with a disappointed frown.

Hanatarou just looked on as the pink haired girl proceeded to wreck his office. Then he looked at the third and fifth seats, impassively.

"What, did you actually believe that Yachiru would come here without some sort of prodding? We said that you would play with her." Ikkaku said.

"Did you give her candy first?"

"Only a little bit."

Hanatarou could only think _too much_ as the girl began to ricochet off of the walls. Judging by her trajectory, he caught her, seconds before she rammed headfirst into his new desk.

"Nice catch, for a pathetic wimp." Said Yumichika.

Hanatarou deposited Yachiru into the other chair, before returning to behind his own desk. Turning back to the girl, he saw that she was…smelling? the chair.

"What are you doing?" He asked, forgetting for a moment that he lived in terror of her, her followers, her father, and her entire division.

"It smells like Byakushi!" she cheered, bouncing a little on the seat.

Byakushi? Oh right, Byakuya.

"You know what Captain Kuchiki smells like?"

"Of course I do. Byakushi is amazing and pretty and strong and capable and carries sweets, and when I'm older I'm going to marry him." The girl declared.

Hanatarou just stared, his brain fizzling out of his ears as he tried and failed to imagine that scenario. Then it started fizzling more as he tried to erase those pictures, and failed miserably.

"I can't deal with this." Hantarou climbed back out of the window and turned to walk away, only to run into Captains Unohana and Zaraki (both of them! At once!). There was only one thing to do in this situation.

Hanatarou fell down in a dead faint.

**Twelfth Division Captain, Kurotsuchi Mayuri**

Hanatarou hated clowns. They creeped him out on some very deep and visceral level. Therefore, Captain Mayuri was just as scary as Captain Zaraki when it came to making him want to run away in terror. Especially when you woke up to him from a dead faint.

Which Hanatarou did. Upon coming to and finding the clown mask only feet from him, Hanatarou screamed, then franticly tried to check if all his limbs were still there, there weren't any new ones that he didn't have before, and that there was no sign of mutation or needle pokes, ect (the usual for anyone in the Science Division Captain's presence).

Fortunatly there didn't seem to be any changes.

"You are a member in good standing of the Forth Division, aren't you?" the Captain said.

Hanatarou just nodded, wary.

"I was wondering if you could possibly do a little something for me." The mime faced man attempted to smile enticingly, but it just looked odd. "I would greatly reward you if you can manage to find me the result of some of Unohana's experiments."

"The Captain's… experiments?" Hanatarou thought frantically about what the scientist thought of as experiments, then applied those images to his own captain. He was slightly disturbed by how easy he could picture her, dressed in Kurotsuchi's mask, overseeing some sort of esoteric scientific ritual.

"Yes. Just something small. I'm not asking for the key to her army of walking corpses."

"Captain Unohana doesn't have an army of walking corpses." Hanatarou said.

"Of course she does. Why else would she have such a high demand for corpses and brains. Sereitai Rumor #103 had to come from somewhere."

Hantarou wasn't even surprised at this point. Of course Captain Kurotsuchi and Isane belong to the same gossip group. Of course.

**Twelfth Division Lieutenant, Kurotsuchi Nemu**

After the last few meeting, Lieutenant Nemu was a relief, a break from the Chaos. She sat there sipping the tea calmly, untouched by the recent chaos.

"Are you comfortable working with your father?" he asked her.

"Yes."

"Really? You've never had any problems?"

"No."

"Are you sure."

"Yes."

This was getting him nowhere. He took a shot in the dark, trying to find a more enthusiastic target. "Have you been working on any interesting experiments recently?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell be about them?"

"No. It is classified by my father."

Well at least that was more than one word…

**Thirteenth Division Captain, Ukitake Jushirou**

Finally, the last appointment arrived. This was Captain Ukitake, the most compassionate and mature shinigami in the entirety of Sereitai. Hanatarou was ready to weep in relief that he had gotten through this day. Ukitake seemed to know his pain.

"Yes, many higher level shinigami are unstable. It's a longstanding tradition."

"You know why everyone is insane? Why, in the name of the spirit king, _who is not Ichigo_, is everyone insane?"

"Well, it was a couple millennia ago, when the Gotei 13 was first formed. The final draft of our basic constitution, including the requirements for being named a captain, had been drafted, ready to be signed in the morning. I'm afraid that Shunsui and I were a pair of practical jokers back then, and we may have taken it and made some minor, why don't we call them, _adjustments_." The Captain smiled, sipping the tea.

"Adjustments?" Hanatarou's voice was calm and dead.

"Oh yes. I personally quite liked the one amendment stating that the leader of the Onmitsukidou must be female."

"So this is all you fault."

"I suppose so." Ukitake laughed lightly, inviting Hanatarou to share the joke.

"No. I'm afraid that's just not acceptable." Hanatarou felt strange emotions that he had never realized that he possessed growing inside of him. He had his hand on his sword, and he felt bloodlust for the first time in his entire life. The white-haired man in front of him was his enemy, and Hanatarou wanted to see his heart's blood stained across his new desk after he danced on his corpse. He attacked the captain wildly, just wanting to _kill_ the man. He slashed at the man's chest angrily, trying to show him the smallest portion of the pain that he had gone through that day.

Then, a strong grip caught his hand. "Captain Unohana!" Hanatarou exclaimed, wondering where in the afterlife she had even come from. Then his brain caught up with what he had just been doing, and he went cold at the knowledge that he had just attacked a _captain_. He sneaked a glance at said captain, who was just pouring himself more tea, still smiling.

"You're subordinate is very compassionate Retsu. He just couldn't help trying to heal me."

What?!

Oh right. Healing zanpakutou.

Still, there is no possible way that he can be that oblivious!

"I really wish it had worked, but not even Retsu can fix my cough. Thanks for the effort though." Apparently he is that oblivious.

"I know. Hanatarou is one of my most promising seats. His potential is very high. Who knows, he might be in my position one day." Captain Unohana was not that oblivious, and Hanatarou could just read his fate in her calm smile and relaxed bearing.

He was utterly doomed.

**Thirteenth Division Third Seats, Kotetsu Kiyone & Kotsubaki Sentaro**

Hanatarou was shaking, worried about his fate. The captain was going to kill him, then resurrect him, then destroy him again, all without anyone realizing that she was evil. It was coming with terrifying slowness, as Captain Unohana had taken Captain Ukitake to her office for a cup of tea. As soon as they finished, she would come for him. There was no point in trying to run. She would find him.

"Hey you," came a voice. Ukitake's two third seats stood in his doorway, frowning towards him.

"You two aren't even supposed to be here," Hanatarou said, hoping that he didn't have to go through this with the rest of Sereitai as well as the Captains.

"No, but we were looking for Captain Ukitake," said Isane's sister.

"He's supposed to be here. I wanted to help him back to our division."

"No, I wanted to help him back to our division."

The two began to argue, just like they always did. The man threw the first punch, which she returned enthusiastically, there chaos spreading throughout the room.

And then the inevitable happened, and Hanatarou's new desk broke under Kiyone's pounding fists. There continued on, oblivious.

As for Hanatarou, he just put his head down in the rubble of his destroyed desk, weeping hysterically.


End file.
